How to Be a More Engaged Neighbor—And How It Will Help You - David Burton (POY 64)

What does it mean to be a good Neighbor? Americans have changed how they would define a good neighbor over a few short generations. Nowadays, we want people who would just leave us alone and be quiet, but that hasn't always been the case. I imagine you'll probably agree, since you're listening to this podcast, that neighborhoods shouldn't be social dead zones. So what is it that we're missing out on? I talked with one of the leading experts on community development in the American Midwest. We'll talk about his experiences with his own neighbors, the benefits of being an engaged neighbor, not just a good neighbor, and the small steps we can all take to make our neighborhoods more engaging places to live. I'm Josh Morgan. That conversation is coming up next on the Plural of youf, the podcast about people helping people.

Hi.

I'm an applied sociologist and aspiring helper living in Huntsville, Alabama, and I'm on a mission to promote two beliefs in my life that humans are social beings and that we all benefit when we help one another. I publish this podcast on the 15th of every month to share how we can all be better helpers for those that we care about. If you haven't already, subscribe to the Plural Review wherever you get your podcasts, and sign up for the Monthly [email protected] Newsletter for now, put this episode on in the background of whatever you're doing, and I hope you enjoy the show. This month. I'd like to introduce you to David Burton. He's a community Development specialist at the University of Missouri Extension Office in Springfield, Missouri, which is in the southwest corner of the state. In 2018, he had a moment of clarity. He felt like he was a good neighbor to the people living around him. Like he mowed his lawn, he raked his leaves, he put up Christmas lights during the end of year holidays. But he he didn't know any of the people around him. He and his wife took it upon themselves to change that. The result of their decision has led to a cascade of positive effects in David's life. As I mentioned, he's now an authority on community development in his state. He runs several community programs and a semiannual statewide survey dedicated to neighboring, which we'll talk about quite a bit. But most of all, his neighbors have joined him in creating a more rewarding and a fulfilling environment to live in. What strikes me about David's story is that most of the things that you'll hear him describe have occurred because he and his wife took that initial chance a few years ago that their neighbors would either Greet them warmly or that they'd be rejected. David stepped outside of his comfort zone to engage the folks around him. He wanted another form of human connection to lean on, and it's paid off. Now he has other people helping him build community in his own neighborhood across the state of Missouri and beyond. So keep David's example in mind as you think about your own neighborhood. Sometimes all it takes is that little self push to build momentum towards something better. I mean, I imagine we could say that about a lot of things in life. Right. But in this case, I know I've been guilty of not reaching out more to my neighbors because it seemed awkward. But now that David has shared his story with us, I feel more confident about the idea, and I hope you will, too. Here's my conversation with David Burton, community development specialist at the University of Missouri Extension.

So I was just reading your profile on Community Positive, which you gave recently.

Yeah.

You know, I saw where you had mentioned, you know, that you did everything that you thought a neighbor should be doing as far as, like, upkeeping property and taking down Christmas lights at the right time and that kind of thing. But you reached a moment where you felt like you could do more than just go in and out of your garage, if you have a garage. If you wouldn't mind, just talk about that a little bit. What was it that helped encourage you to reach out to your neighbors, to kind of form those connections?

Well, to give it a full coverage. I grew up in a small Midwestern town, 1200 people. And so I, you know, I went to school with my neighbors, went to church with my neighbors. I played wiffle ball with my neighbors. I mowed the lawns of my neighbors. Neighbors came over to visit unexpected and unannounced, and that was a positive thing. So I certainly grew up in a area where neighbors and neighboring was a part of the culture. And my grandmother's house just two houses down from mine, that's where all the ladies in the neighborhood gathered and did each other's hair and had coffee. And so this idea of neighbor connection was something I grew up with. And when my wife and I married 33 years ago and had a home of our own, we ended up in an area with the homeowners association. And I ended up being the president of the hoa. And in some instances, there's probably nothing that will sour you on the neighboring experience more than being the president of an hoa.

It was, I could see that, yeah, it was.

It was difficult. And certainly the focus of that was enforcement of rules and so, you know, maybe that tainted or impacted how I approached neighboring. Certainly the culture has impacted that, and we could talk about that more as we go. So we moved to where we live now. And when we moved in, I know we initially met our neighbors, but I had this moment where we'd been in this house for 18 years, and. And I realized that new neighbors had moved in. Some had come and gone, and we hadn't even bothered to introduce ourselves to the new ones when they moved in. And so here we were, 18 years in a house, and I knew the name of one neighbor.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

So I had this moment. We realized, you know, that is not how we should be living. If you would have asked me if I loved my neighbors, I would have said yes. But it turns out the opposite of love is not hate. It's apathy. And I had apathy. And so we did the stereotypical thing that people think of about introducing themselves to neighbors. We did the plate of chocolate chip cookies. And that may not sound like a big sacrifice, but my wife makes really good chocolate chip cookies, and giving them away was a sacrifice. But, you know, we just provide our contact information how neighbors could get ahold of us and just went to our immediate eight neighbors and reintroduced ourselves, you know, and I had to say, hey, you've been here five years, and I don't think we've ever talked, and I want to do a better job. I had one neighbor that barely cracked her door and took the cookies and said, how much do I owe you for this? So it was not like the next day, every neighbor was suddenly my friend or contacting me. But delivering cookies, introducing ourselves, was the start. We wrote down their names on a chart on a refrigerator so we could remember the names. Because there's a big difference between seeing a neighbor out and saying, hey, you, versus saying, hey, Jeff, how are things?

Yes.

One. One moves the relationship forward. One says, you really don't care.

Yeah, I'm acknowledging you have a good day sort of thing.

Yes. And so learning that name and finding ways to use those names and doing some things that helped gather our neighbors together, just, you know, ice cream sandwiches on the driveway and being in our front yard more and lingering at the mailbox to say hi to people when they came home and mowing my yard, seeing people out and turning my mower off and walking across the street and saying, hey, Shane, I haven't got to talk to you all week. What's going on in your life? Taking my headphones off when I'm walking my dog. When I'm approaching someone just to say, hey, I'm available for conversation. It's just these regular types of things that give us that opportunity to have those regular contacts. And then what I have learned in the process is not trying to create a big event or a special seven course meal, but just doing things and inviting my neighbors to come into something we're already doing. So you'll play a board game tonight? Want to invite some neighbors over? Oh, we've got two extra hamburgers for the grill. Let's invite a neighbor over. Just finding ways to incorporate them in what we're already doing. And so in doing that, we have seen social benefits for ourselves, health benefits for ourself. We have seen neighbors who, because we reached out, have started to reach out and develop relationships with the neighbors next to them, behind them and further down the street. We have seen neighbors, because of that, impacted to think about how they could serve their community further. Both city council members for my ward are in my neighborhood. That was not the case. We moved here. That was never the case. And they will both tell you that they ran for a seat on council because of what happened in our neighborhood, because they got acquainted, they made connections and thought I have something to offer.

Wow, that's really cool.

I want to do more for my community.

Yeah.

So it's a process. And not every neighbor that I introduced myself was immediately warm and fuzzy. But I often say that I think the bar for what makes someone a good neighbor is set really low. Expectations are very low. And so don't over complicate it. Just step out. Even initiating a spontaneous act of kindness or good deeds can open that door and, and start the development of a positive relationship. That's been my experience at least.

And I imagine, I know you have an extensive background in marketing, communications.

More.

More so communications. I could see that being useful for this type of endeavor. Or do you find that to be true?

Yeah, it's. I think all of my different careers, you know, have moved me to this point. You know, again, I had a personal conviction about we should be better neighbors. And we sought to do that just as individuals because we felt like that was the right thing to do what we were called to do. And then there was that moment, that sort of light bulb moment where I contacted my boss, I work with University of Missouri Extension, and said, I think this neighborhood outreach has application to community development. But it was, again, that was a process as well. But it began as a personal conviction. And now, you know, it's the part of my work I love the most, and it's still a personal interest. And sometimes it's hard to tell where one ends and the other begins.

But sounds like a real labor of love then.

It's a labor of love. Absolutely.

You know, in hearing you talk so far about neighboring and being more neighborly, it sounds like being a better neighbor is just approaching your neighbors more often with intention of creating a relationship and doing things like acts of kindness, for example, or checking in on them to see how they are, how they're doing. Are there other things that you would say make a better neighbor?

There are, but it's a process. People often ask, how do I get started? And I say, learn the names of your neighbors, find ways to use the names of your neighbors and throw a fun party. So it's all about trying to build those positive relationships and moving the ball forward with that. And I think in doing that, you're going to learn the gifts and the talents and the interest of your neighbors. And there may be other things that bubble to the surface, other ways that apply to neighboring. In your situation where you're at, you know, it may be, you know, one of your neighbors loves playing ping pong and they have a ping pong table and you guys get connected and suddenly several of you get together once a week to play ping pong. I mean, that's using an asset that exists where you live. So there's no one solid answer. But learn the names, use the names, and then throw a good party, even on the driveway. Something simple. It's all about the connections, not about the entertainment.

Got it.

And I also think, you know, the definition of what we mean by good neighbor has changed. In the 50s, we see this, some of this research and discussion, and when people were asked about what made a good neighbor, it was all about social connections. And you had 46% of Americans saying that they socialized with their neighbors once a week. You know, so this idea of dinner parties and playing cards and getting together with the kids, I mean, that was a big part of the culture. By the 70s, that same study and number had dropped to 21%. And then when I did the study in Missouri in 2022 and 2024, I didn't even dare ask about how many times a week do you socialize with your neighbors. I ask once a year, do you socialize with your neighbors? Right. And. And 18% answered in the affirmative of that. So this idea of what makes a good neighbor has certainly changed. And when we ask Missourians about what makes someone a good neighbor, and we gave them 30 criteria and behaviors to pick from. Both years, the same two criteria floated to the top. And people said, a good neighbor is someone who respects my privacy and someone who's quiet. In other words, the culture now says a good neighbor is someone who's quiet and leaves me alone. So my challenge is that is no more good neighbors. We need engaged neighbors. And so that doesn't mean that you're throwing wild parties and being disruptive every night. Right. And it doesn't mean you're hanging on their doorstep and greeting them as soon as they come home from work. There's still sort of cultural norms, but it also does not mean we hide in our house, on our couch, watching Netflix every night, and we have no interaction with anyone around us. Whether that means spontaneous acts of kindness or dog sitting or checking on an elderly person. Just doing things that help build trust and connection. That's what's needed more than anything.

Right. And I can imagine with your line of work, you have all sorts of different settings. I'm thinking like rural settings versus urban settings. What's a typical day like for you as you go around to these different settings and try to help people build connections?

Yeah. It's an interesting mix of responses that I often get. I know on my personal life, my dog wants a walk every morning. I usually begin that way and connecting with neighbors. My wife and I have a challenge called our plus one challenge. So we have dinner. We said, what neighbor have you talked to today? Lots of times that happens during my walk, seeing a neighbor out and having that conversation, but not always. And so I try not to let a day go by where I've not checked in on a neighbor and seeing what's going on in life or if they need anything and they're just engaging in conversation. So that's a part of it.

I like that idea, though. That's a good one. It makes me think of a smart goal.

Yeah. And it kind of helps us hold each other accountable a little bit. So my day usually starts off in that way. I do work for the University of Missouri Extension, and I cover more than one county. So my day usually involves some sort of travel or time in a car somewhere to a meeting, whether that's a community meeting or a group that I'm meeting with in a community or a neighborhood that's trying to get organized, giving them suggestions, looking at their plans, giving them guidance on how to go about doing something. Yesterday I met with an organization in Springfield that's wanting to partner and do a social media campaign about connecting with your neighbors and getting to know your neighbors because it fits with their nonprofit purpose as well. And so we're, you know, filming some pieces and talking through that social media campaign. Sometimes it involves talking to organizations. I spoke to a group yesterday that wanted a kind of an overview of what it means to be an engaged neighbor. I'm speaking with an event on Monday where we're talking about neighbors and emergency management or disaster response, how, oh wow.

That'S important, what that fit looks like.

What that connection is and how to strengthen that connection. So sometimes I get called and asked to do podcasts. So see, there's just all sorts of different things that happen. And there are some regular programs I do, and I do work in some other areas besides neighboring. So some of my work focuses on those other areas as well.

There was a word you mentioned earlier, I think you said you felt a conviction to do this kind of work. And we talked about where the motivation for neighborliness comes from. But what about helping people in general? Where do you think that comes from for you in your life? Do you think it came from how you were raised or are there other factors?

Well, there are other factors for us. My story would be that I certainly saw that emulated by my grandparents as a person of faith, as a Christian, I'm called to love my neighbors and to make those connections. And I spent a long time thinking I was doing that by just being quiet and leaving people alone. And that's when I had that moment where I realized, no, that is actually apathy. That is not love. And I'm called to love those around me and demonstrate that love, regardless of whether or not we vote for the same person, regardless of whether or not they agree with me on things, regardless of whether or not the love is ever reciprocated. So when I, when I use that terminology, that's what I have in mind for at least for my, for my wife and I. And we see even in the survey that we did in Missouri about the state of neighboring, I ask as a final question, just an open ended question to ask people to share what they thought it meant to love their neighbor. And I will tell you about 12% of the study participants did not respond to that answer. That was the one they could leave blank. And they left that one blank. 8% replied with expletives and things more along the lines that I hate my neighbors and leave me alone.

Oh, wow.

And then others that did respond, those kind of fall into several categories. There's those that their response about what it means to Love their neighbor demonstrates that their motivation is really just out of being kind and respectful to those that are around them. That's their goal. They just feel like we owe that to each other to be kind and respectful. Some had responses that really indicated more empathy and assistance. They had a high level of empathy for their neighbors. They wanted to be helpers. They wanted to help them in ways that they could be helped. Some responses were really more about community and connection. Like, this benefits my community. It's important to foster community ties. I want to have these connections. This is what it means to love your neighbors, to have those community ties. And then certainly another big group were people who referred to the Golden Rule. And then there was a. Certainly a group that were motivated by sort of a biblical calling or foundation, saying, I'm called to. To be loving toward my neighbors. And then there were those that really saw loving your neighbors being that of boundaries and privacy. Those are sort of the categories that I saw in the 2000 responses. How I kind of would categorize those. So people come at from different angles and different approaches and therefore have different motivations for building these connections. And I've seen people from all those different types of categories I listed be successful in being more engaged neighbors and making connections in their neighborhood.

How do you think all of those responses informed your work? Like, what did you take away from doing that survey?

Well, again, the first survey was in 2022, then another one in 2024, both with 2000 people. So it's taken about a year to crunch all those numbers and cross correlate things. And look what we're looking at. I think some of the interesting things from that is that, interestingly, women are more interested in privacy than men. In neighborhoods. Men are more likely to do an act of kindness or connection for a neighbor. Women prefer to connect with neighbors face to face in something that involves maybe more emotional connection or like gathering for tea or coffee or a book study. Whereas men prefer to connect in ways that are shoulder to shoulder. Let's play basketball together, let's clean up the neighborhood together, those sort of things. So there's certainly some differences in genders. We see people are still interested in gathering and doing things together. You know, still 60% say if there's a block party they would like attend. It's just that most don't want to host a block party anymore. They would attend if someone else would do it. So there's certainly a decline there. And there's other things from that study we can dive into.

If you'd like, yeah, I know. I mentioned when I sent the invitation email to you, I had talked with Vanessa Elias of Block Party USA about how to host a block party. And I think I even taught with her about how do you get over that awkwardness of trying to put yourself out there? And whether it's hosting a block party or even just going up to a neighbor and saying, hello, here's a plate of cookies. I've been thinking of you. I feel like there's sort of a similarity there and trying to overcome a little bit of awkwardness. But I think the point that you would make, if you don't mind me speaking for you a little bit, is that it's worth it to put yourself out there. Like, no matter what it is. Like if it's a block party or if it's just going up and saying hello, I'd like to get to know you better.

Yeah. And big and small ways add up, and we see that in the study too. Things like checking on elderly neighbors. There's been an uptick, an increase in people saying they think that's an important trait. So in our neighborhood, some, there's some men around me, we get together on a fairly regular basis and once a year we go to the widows in our neighborhood or doors and put in new batteries for their smoke detectors. It's not a high knowledge thing to do. Right. But it's something. Our widows shouldn't be up on ladders trying to do it. It is a safety thing. And we go into homes, we have great conversations, we catch up. Sometimes you get cookies in return for having done the batteries. But lots of times you also hear about other things they need help with. So it's a great way to connect with and support elderly. In our neighborhood. It just took somebody having the initiative to get people organized to do that. But I saw in the survey that people are very much interested in that. People are very much interested in being available and helping a neighbor in need, watching out for their neighbor's safety. 62% of Missourians said that was important to do. So there are those connection points, hosting events like driveway parties. That has dropped 11% over just the two years I did the survey. Springfield had a block party initiative last year and I argued with our media sponsor about that word choice. I love what Vanessa is doing. I've been trying to use the word driveway party instead of block party because there's something about people when they hear the word block party. They think clowns and magicians and a bounty house.

Oh, right.

Like it's this big entertainment thing. And it. It's not about the entertainment. It's about the connection.

So block party, I guess, could also imply, like, an urban block. And that may be a big. Some people apprehensive if they don't live in an urban setting.

Yeah. And then even in our area, a person, one of my neighboring 101 classes that lives in a rural area, she decided to do a driveway party. Her driveway is half a mile long out to the. To the farm. Her neighbors are all spread a way apart. She'd only been there a few years, but she got them together. A lot of these neighbors had never met each other. She had 32 rural neighbors show up for a barbecue. They put together a directory, names and phone numbers, and she shared it out with everybody. And two weeks later, one of those rural neighbors had a fire at their home, and that calling list got activated. A lot of neighbors showed up to help before the rural fire department even got there. Neighbors were asked to help find her dogs that had run off to help with livestock. There's emergency response, disaster sort of importance here as well, but it has application. Lots of different contexts, this idea of a driveway party or gathering. And really, it is about those connections. Maybe you're the one that's the spark plug for some of these activities that build connection.

Right. I like that a lot. I did want to ask, you've had a long career as a community development specialist. You've been in communications and that sort of thing. What would you say you're most proud of in your career? Like, where do you feel like you've made a difference?

Not to be overly melodramatic here.

Okay.

But I have thought about this, and my wife and I have talked about this, and I feel like my different jobs and careers, the experiences I've had, both positive and negative, have had a cumulative effect, a cumulative impact, kind of leading me to the point that I'm at right now and the opportunity I have to focus on this niche area and to hopefully make an impact. I know, remembering back to high school physics class, that very small incremental changes over a period of time can lead to a big change. So I'm not expecting to see, like, a sudden reversal to the culture overnight. But as I try to chip away with this work of getting more people engaged as neighbors, just a few at a time, that in time, I think can have a much larger, broader impact in the community that I live in and elsewhere. And so I'm most proud of the work I'm doing now. But I wouldn't have the opportunity to do the work I'm doing now without those other experiences, without those other tools in my toolbox. The marketing background, the communications background, the. The newspaper column that I have been writing since 1989, and I write it exclusively every week about neighboring in that. So all those things have had this cumulative effect. And say, if I had to pin it on one thing, I guess getting the bill signed for Missouri Good Neighbor.

Week, that's pretty huge.

Would be the one if I had to just pick one that's in late.

September, early October most years.

Is that right? Yes. Yeah. I was at my local chamber of commerce meeting and my state rep just happened to sit at my table. He'd seen some of what I had done locally that we'd had some media coverage about. And he said, what's your long term goal? What's one of the ideas that would have a long term impact? I hadn't really been thinking about that, honestly. And so it's just a spur of the moment conversation. I said, you know, I think it'd be cool if we had a Missouri Good Neighbor Week. Not just a day, but let's celebrate for a week in Missouri. Well, next thing I know, he's calling me and saying, would you come to the state capitol and testify in support of this bill that I've put forward?

Oh, my goodness.

And he said, you'll be in front of the committee. Don't expect to be there more than five minutes if you don't mind making a drive. I said, yeah, I'd love to. So I was in front of the committee for 25 minutes because they had lots of questions and it picked up a couple of co sponsors and it was a roller coaster. We thought it was dead. Then it came back to life on the very last day of session and got tucked in to another bill that had a lot of things that no one was going to disagree with and got signed, got put in place. So that in Missouri has really given a lot of momentum. It gives a whole week of celebration that works better with people's calendars last year. Our push last year was to get cities involved in promoting it and doing activities and recognizing the most neighborly cities. In Missouri, we had good involvement from cities, something I think will dramatically grow. We give people an opportunity to nominate neighbors that they think are the most engaged neighbor in Missouri. And so we have an opportunity with sponsors to recognize them and do some awards for the very, very best most engaged neighbors. We encourage people to do acts of kindness during that week for their Neighbors and report about it so it gets media coverage. It's a way to get neighboring in front of people thinking about, why is this important? What can you do in your neighborhood? Why should you do this? And the impact that you can make. Yeah. Last year, we documented over 31,000 acts of neighboring During Missouri Good Neighbor week, we had 122 people nominated as an engaged neighbor in the state. And we end up recognizing 20 of those that all nominations get. A memento, everybody who's nominated. But we were able to recognize 20 of them with a check and a further recognition. And we had five cities that we recognized as the most neighborly in the state based on the criteria that we had in place. And I think it's something that's going to grow from there. So, yeah, if I had to say one thing, I would say that's probably my most proud accomplishment.

Yeah. And all that started because you decided not so long ago that you wanted to be a better neighbor. And it's just. It's turned into this role that seems like it's. It's your calling. It seems like it's a perfect fit for you.

I would agree. I think. And I'm in for the long haul. I've got several years until I retire, and I'm not. Not giving up on this mission, even after that. So.

Nice.

So if people are listening and they.

Want to follow you online, where would be the best place to do that?

I'm pretty available. We can connect on LinkedIn. If you want to look for me on LinkedIn, we have a Facebook group called Becoming an Engaged Neighbor. You can follow that. I'm on Twitter as Mo GoodNeighbor. Abbreviation for Missouri. Mo GoodNeighbor. Or certainly you can check out the MU Extension website and find me there at Extension Missouri, Eduardo. Or I have created a separate website that's kind of a gathering of all these links, making it easier to find me. It's just engage neighbor.com you can find me there. But I'd love to, you know, visit with you, make connections, email, direct you toward resources, get you involved in some of our programming, no matter where you live in the nation.

As we wind down here, is there.

Anything I haven't asked you that you wanted to talk about?

No. I appreciate the opportunity to talk and to share. You're doing a valuable service with a podcast on these types of topics.

Thank you.

I love sharing podcasts with other people. And I have a good friend that says when anybody's talking about neighboring, we all benefit. And I love that saying but what I say more to myself, it's kind of my motivator is that there's probably nothing I can do that impacts Washington, D.C. maybe nothing that I can do that impacts my state capital, but there's something I can do every single day that impacts my neighbors and my neighborhood. That's my focus. I try not to chase after shiny objects that lead in other directions. I think about what, what is it I can be doing next that's going to have a positive impact and connections with my neighbors and neighborhood because that's where the long term impact is going to happen. I hope more people grab onto that idea. If we were all focused on making our neighborhoods better places to be, we would have better communities, better states, and a better nation as a result.

This is the Plural Review. I'm Josh Morgan. If you like this episode, please sign up for the Podcast monthly [email protected] newsletter. I think you'll enjoy it. That's all for now. Thank you for being kind to today.

Take care.